12/02/10

I’ve been hurt so many times, I think I’m obsessed about the idea of hurt itself.

I thought I got over it, I thought I was done, but when my friend came crying to me, and I learned that she had experienced what I did, it all came back. It all came crashing down. Everything that happened last Tuesday. Everything.

That happy Tuesday morning, where I was practically prancing around the hallways thinking about how I would see him later on that day, his smile, and everything. That Tuesday morning, being so damn happy, smiling like fuck, mind set on you. That happy Tuesday morning, when I didn’t know. That happy Tuesday morning when I was smiling, and laughing without a care in the world.

But it’s no wonder anyway; she’s really pretty, she’s a cheerdancer, she’s so girly, she’s probably nice, she’s probably better than me in so many ways. And maybe, just maybe.. she has all the things he wants in a girl. - Dorothy’s blog

It’s quite a shame. It was a great day, oh that Tuesday, a great day. I talked to his batch mate during lunch break, and then she dropped the bomb on me.

I unconsciously threw my smile away, along with the idea of sunshine, rainbows, candy - happiness. I threw everything away.

She told me, and I wanted to cry right there, but instead I faked a smile, and walked out. I didn’t want to cry because I was with Jasmin that time, and of course, I still had a computer class after that break. I wanted to punch the gates in the gym. I wanted to punch a wall until my fists bled. I wanted to punch someone. I wanted to punch her. I wanted to punch him.

I wanted to kick them in the face. But then it came to me - I’d have to refer to them, as well, “them”.. But I know I couldn’t do it. I don’t want to do it.

I could still remember that happy Tuesday morning - that happy Tuesday morning, that didn’t turn out to be as how I imagined it would be - down to the smallest detail.

I tried to forget, though. I tried so hard to stop the tears, and the hurt. But I guess I still need some more time. I need to get used to seeing them together at school, wearing matching colors during Mufti, and all that other crap.